I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
