a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
