the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
