Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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