I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
