i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
