and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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