guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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