Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
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Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
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