I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm drive I can fine osifer
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
