my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
