I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
