how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
