your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
