I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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