You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
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I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
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The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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