I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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