My room smells like vodka and shame
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
