Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
