Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
