I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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