life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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