There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
No...this little piggys going to the bar
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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