This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
