I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My ATM looks so different sober.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
