I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
