we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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