First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
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You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
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