ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Michael Bay diarrhea
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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