Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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