K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
