He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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