I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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