i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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