I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
