I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
