two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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