My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
