Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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