Welp...herpes.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
