im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
