i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
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the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
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The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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