she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
This is the high leading the old right now
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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