Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
