my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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