Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
