he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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