My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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