I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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