My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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