You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
