4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
