Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
