I'm lost and stupid without you.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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