The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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