if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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